More acquired groaners!

Doctors feel fine on ships because they are accustomed to see sickness.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Don’t believe what you hear about fleas and ticks – it’s all lice.
Don’t expect to eat something fancy when you’re flying because it’s plane food.
Drinking too much coffee can cause a latte problems.
Driving on so many turnpikes was taking its toll.

 

 

Fair Exchange?

A Golfer walks into the pro shop at the local course and asks the golf pro if they sell ball markers.

The golf pro says, “Yes, they are just $1.00 each. “

The guy gives the golf pro a dollar and says he’ll take one.

The golf pro opens the register, puts the dollar in the tray and with a big smile hands the guy a quarter.

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

HT. Crosswalk.com

 

Finished Chores

My parents are both busy professional people and have trouble finding time for chores and home maintenance. On weekends they each make a list of things to be done. Father’s list is never completely crossed off, but Mother’s always is. Puzzled, I asked her how she managed that.

“Simple,” she answered with a satisfied grin. “I do the chore first, and then I put it on the list and cross it off!”

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

 

Letters to Pastors

Dear Pastor,
I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville.

Dear Pastor,
Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete. Age 9, Phoenix

Dear Pastor,
My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert, Page 11, Anderson

Dear Pastor,
I’m sorry I can’t leave more money in the plate, but my father didn’t give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty. Age 10, New Haven

Dear Pastor,
My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly, Annette. Age 9, Albany

Dear Pastor,
I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won’t be there. Stephen. Age 8, Chicago

Dear Pastor,
I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9. Tacoma

 

Perks of Being Over the Hill

• There is nothing left anymore to learn the hard way.
• Things that you buy now won’t wear out.
• Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
• You no longer think of the speed limit as a challenge.
• Your investment in health insurance is finally paying off.
• You can quit trying to hold in your stomach no matter who walks into the room.
• Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them anyway.
• You can sing along with elevator music.
• Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the guy on the television.
• Your eyes won’t get too much worse.
• Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
• People call you at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you???? “
• You can get into a heated argument about pension plans.
• You can eat dinner at 4:00 in the afternoon.
• In a hostage situation you are the most likely to be released first.
• No one expects you to run — anywhere.
• You are no longer viewed as a hypochondriac.                              – Copied

 

It’s a Miracle!

A Civil War soldier, who had lost his bayonet, whittled one from wood so that he could pass inspection. He hoped he would not be discovered until the regiment had gone into battle, where he planned to pick one up from a dead soldier.

At inspection, an officer asked to see his bayonet. The soldier stated, “Sir, I promised my father I would not unsheathe my bayonet unless I intended to kill someone with it.”

The Officer insisted that the soldier hand over the bayonet.

Taking it out, the soldier looked skyward and said, “May the Lord change my bayonet to wood for breaking my vow.”

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

 

Now that’s Motivation for Giving!

A minister in a little church had been having trouble with the collections.

One Sunday he announced, “Now, before we pass the collection plate, I would like to request that the person who stole the chickens from Brother Martin’s henhouse please refrain from giving any money to the Lord. The Lord doesn’t want money from a thief!”

The collection plate was passed around, and for the first time in months everybody gave.

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*  http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

 

More Oxy-morons

Temporary tax increase
Plastic glasses
Terribly pleased
Political science
Definite maybe
Pretty ugly
Twelve-ounce pound cake
Diet ice cream
Working vacation
Exact estimate
Microsoft Works

 

Oh No, More Groaners!

So of course it’s difficult to learn the English language…….and
learning to spell can be pure guess work…….

* Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
* A backward poet writes inverse.
* A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
* Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.

* Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
* When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.
* A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two tired.
* What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway.)
* Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
* In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.  

-  copied (Really, I didn’t make these up)

 

Poe-tic Justice!

A professor asked a student to remain for a few moments after class. Holding out the young man’s assignment, the professor said, “Did you write this poem all by yourself?”

The student said, “Every word of it.”

The professor said, “Well, then, I’m glad to meet you, Mr. Poe. I thought you were long dead.”

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh